While standing at my altar, I was thinking how easy it is to forget…

I have stewed over the fact that my life and body have been sacrificed too many times, even for good things. For instance, I literally gave up space inside my body three times to allow three other little bodies to grow there. Welcomed, but still, a sacrifice.

On the “not so good” side, I had to sacrifice my breast to conquer cancer.

I sacrificed my thyroid to conquer the ravages of Graves’ disease.

I sacrificed ease of life and often my own sense of mental well being to comfort or help others in need.

I have sacrificed my own ideas and plans about how my life should be.

I have stood before this great altar many times, watching it smoldering; so much going up in smoke.

It is always sobering standing there.

Often I stand amazed as I realize how Jesus has brought me through it all. I am reminded God has a good plan for me, and that it all has a purpose. I wish I could say that is how I feel every single time, but that wouldn’t be true at all. Often I go there just to tell Jesus how sad or disappointed I am. It’s okay. He can take it. He always listens to my rants.

But sometimes I foolishly walk away from those rants without letting His love wash over me, refreshing and reminding me of His goodness. It’s a stupid way to walk away from the altar. It leads to nothing more than the same sense of sadness and disappointment with which I came there.

Today I wasn’t stupid. I decided to stay there and let Him wash me. I asked Him if all the sacrifice would be worth it. The Holy Spirit spoke into my own spirit, letting me know that it most assuredly would be. Then He quietly but clearly reminded me of Jesus’ sacrifice. 

I pictured Him leaving glory. He sacrificed the perfection of heaven, and for nine months took up space inside of a young girl. A young girl, by the way, who said, “yes” to God, having no idea what her sacrifice would mean for herself, and an entire world.

Spring forward to Jesus’ misunderstood ministry. Even though it took the resurrection for them to completely understand, the disciples said yes. They gave up the plan for their lives and followed Jesus… even to death. Was their sacrifice worth it? Of course it was.

And as I stood at my great big smoldering altar, I remembered.

Jesus gave up everything for me. Everything. He gave up glory; ease; riches; his body; his life. He sacrificed it all for me. For you. For everyone. He said, “yes,” and didn’t look back…

…even when He was sweating out blood.

When He was being beaten.

When He was feeling alone.

When He was being pierced.

When He was naked and dying on a shameful cross.

And you know what? It was worth it.

And so I stand now, before my puny looking altar, which just a few moments ago looked so large and smokey, and in it I see the Refiners fire. As the smoke wafts its way up, I see it like incense filled with smells that bring joy to my Savior, Healer, Redeemer and Friend, and I feel washed.

And it’s all worth it.